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With all of this wedding activity going on around me I can't help but think of a day when I plan and have my own wedding.
That is, if I can find a girl who's crazy enough to decide to spend the rest of her life with me.
Thoughts like having the wedding party enter the ceremony to some tune from a Jock Jams CD, barreling down the aisle with their arms outstretched, accepting hi-fives from the attendees. Or being announced as a married couple for the first time in public and coming into the room with the Imperial March blasting.
Wild illusions that would never fly with even the most radical of women.
But diving even deeper into the thought of a wedding is this lurking idea that I'm probably never going to be a best man when any of my friends get married. Which, I think, disappoints me to an extent because I won't be able to speak at their wedding. Now, when I'm on the spot and I have to say something from the heart it comes out terrible unless I'm given a fair amount of time to organize my thoughts. But if I was assigned the task of giving a speech I think I would do reasonably well.
I'm not disappointed because I want to be the center of attention for a minute or ten, I'm disappointed because I don't think I've ever been that close of a friend to any of my good friends. My oldest, and for this reason I consider my best, friend is Zach. I've known Zach for something like 13 years, but almost 5 of those he's been away serving our country. I know him, I know his mannerisms, I know how his brain works, or at least I think I do. And that's the part that really gets me - I don't really know the inner workings of any of my friends. I associate with all of them on a different level.
It's not that I conscientiously make a decision to never get that close with any of my friends, or to learn that much about them. But for whatever reason, I don't. I just hope that they know that I'm willing to listen and learn about them, or that I'm willing to be there for them if they need anything. I hope that my friends realize how much they mean to me, and that I hold the (sometimes very specific) relationships that I have with them close to me.
It's not like me to hope and wish and think, I'm more of a do'er than anything, but I'm truly at a loss for action. I simply do not know how to convey this element of myself effectively. This is something that I'm going to focus on.
This goal should be infinitely more attainable than finding a girl who can tolerate my socially unacceptable attitude and overall surliness.
