Sorry for all the backdates.. I've been writing and not posting. I'll keep things more consistent in the future.

The Ghost That Haunts Progression.

When I look at the relationships I have with my friends, I see that things have changed. I look back on last winter when we got together a lot and did a lot of things together. I see how this dynamic has changed in the past 12 months and everyone has become busier and due to that, they are available less.

It is natural to feel that I have not changed. That I am still around just as much as I was then, but I know that this is not true. It is acceptable to think that everyone else has grown more distant and that I have been trying to hold whats left together, but this cannot be confirmed.

My greatest concern comes from the lack of desire to be there for each other. And in this respect I think that I am still just as much there for my friends as I always was. I try to show up to any events or get togethers that we have because that is something that I feel is very important - just being there.

It's discomforting to know that this policy is self-destructive, and the further we drift apart the further we push each other away. In a sense it frustrates me because I want to pull everyone together again with a nostalgic sentiment for the way things were in the past. And this sentiment, it's been said, is the ghost that haunts progression.

As we move forward through life, I know in my heart that every one of my friends has a strong will and they make decisions that make them happy. This is ultimately all we can do, look out for ourselves and the ones we care about the most. But that caring comes with a burden of responsibility, we have to let our friends go and blaze their own path, and a true friend understands these choices and supports them even though they change the way these relationships used to be.

I am on both sides of this rotten coin. While I know that I should support my friends and simply encourage them to be happy, I want nothing more than to be selfish and bring things back to how they were. For now, I will hold these memories close to me and use that energy to push myself forward, to progress.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Dive in.

My mind races in circles when I think about the future. I was never one to put too much weight on other peoples actions. I thought, for a long while, that relying on other people was a foolish waste of time (because for a long while, it was).

Now I'm in a peculiar position. One were I'm placing the entirety of myself into the path of another. Being drawn along for a ride, and I'm not sure where it's going. While it's exciting, I also feel a bit of trepidation.

I thought about this decision almost every day. I wondered if things would be alright. I didn't know where I'd end up or if I'd be happy there. There was a lot of doubt in my mind.

At that point, there was two options. I chose to embrace this journey with everything I am. There are no wrong decisions, just what you learn from the choices you make.

And I'm always learning.

I'll leave this bit alone for now. I'd like to talk about opportunities that life gives you and how people react to them differently, but I feel that topic is too tired for tonight. Might we discuss it another.

Watch eeettt!

Tonight I realized that I'm often uncomfortable in situations that I do not control. I have a need to be dominant over the events taking place and I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

I need to dive further into this, because I really don't think that I feel that I have to micro-manage every aspect of every environment that I'm in. I don't really feel like I have to participate at all. But I have a weird inclination to control the crowd, make everyone laugh, be the center of attention (or at least feel like I am).

But then, on the flip side, I really don't mind sharing the spot light. I let people have their time and their events without an issue. I don't always need to be the loudest or most noticed - but I do like to think that I can have those things without a moments notice.

I like entertaining. I like telling stories and making people laugh. I like the attention.

But, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. But I'm working on it. And I think with more thought will come a decision as to whether this is good or bad.

Monday, December 01, 2008


Own it.

What are we, if we are not defined by our actions?

And who is hurt when one acts upon a conviction that one does not truly hold? Is it the recipient of this action? Or is it the person who has committed the action based on a false pretense?

Who are we, if we are not what people think of us? One may deceive some people all of the time, but one cannot deceive oneself for too long.

Acting falsely and lying to oneself only bring destruction and loneliness to ones life. For a short while it may seem possible to deny who you really are, but there is no way to keep up the act for a lifetime. The longer you pretend, the harder you come crashing down.

Embrace who you are. Change what you don't like. Improve the things you do.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


Don’t blink, you’ll never know what you’ll miss.

If I justify my life by what I can give to others, does that make me selfish?

If the tool that I use to measure the meaning of my existence is graduated by the impact I've had on the people I know, does that make me greedy?

Is there a way to truly show selflessness without seeking some sort of personal gain?

For me, I get a really great feeling when I'm able to do something for someone. It's the type of feeling that swells inside you and rises from your stomach until it gets caught in your throat. It's a feeling that makes makes tears collect in my eyes. It's joviality in it's purest form. Unrefined. Raw.

I am not the kind of guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve. The people that are close to me can cut through what's happening on the outside and know what's really going on with me, but only sometimes.

So for me to be able to engage this feeling in the way that I do, it's incredible. And it might hit me so hard because I feel that I'm not able to do enough for my friends and family, or maybe it's because I've got the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, but it makes me feel like I'm making a positive impact.

It makes me feel that I'm meant to do something big, something that will effect people in a huge way. Something that will have such widespread results that I will be able to realize them and feel this way no matter where I turn.

Maybe someday I'll get around to it.

Friday, October 31, 2008


5 years and I’m all set.

I was just reminded yesterday that my 5 year high school reunion is the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Then I thought quickly about the people that I'd like to see there.

I came up with no one.

I stopped, and I thought harder about someone who I haven't seen since high school that I'd actually want to talk to about what they're doing with their life.

Still, I came up with no one.

If I want to know anything about anyone I went to high school with I have a way to contact them.

Damn. I'm a cynical motherfucker. It's kinda sad. :(

On the seventh day, I rested.

I'd like to take a minute to write about life's balancing act.

I realize this may be a tired subject for some of you, but I honestly think that it's so complicated that one person can never figure it out entirely. If you have input, I'd love to hear it.

Life has slowed down just a bit in the past two weeks. I'm in between studying because I'm waiting for hardware I ordered to come in. I've removed every part from my project vehicle that needs to be removed. I'm left with nearly no additional tasks aside from work.

4 months ago I'd have dreamed of days like this. Nothing to do. My brain can shut off and I can still operate at a reasonable level. I can sleep in without worrying about missing anything. This would have been euphoric to me.

But here I am - bored.

I need projects. I need things to do. I need to work 6 out of the 7 days of my week. If I'm not constantly on the move I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my time.

Everyone needs time to slow down and decompress once in a while.. but for me this has been too much. I'm out of balance and I'm not content.