Timmy Burns

2009-10-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Co-written by myself and my good friend Dave, I think we've got a real gem here. I meant to post this earlier this week but I've been busy.

I’m not sure when it began but somewhere along the brief history of the past 20 years it seems we all stopped rooting for the good guy. At first glance this warrants a response of “so what” but the repercussions of this choice seem to be affecting us on a deeper level. Long gone are the days of helping strangers because modern thinking says that they can’t be trusted anyways, they might sue you if you do something wrong or hurt you in response. If you see someone stopped on the side of the road struggling to get a tire on their car well that’s just their lot in life now isn’t it?

Somewhere along the way people stopped doing what was right in honor of thinking entirely for themselves and going above and beyond self-preservation. It was no longer satisfying to have 'enough' of something, suddenly people had to have so much of something that there was nothing left for anyone else. Status it seems began to be derived from how much of x object you had compared to others without it. Without warning it was no longer acceptable to be content, being content was a weakness.

A reasonably new car (less than 10 years old) that was reliable was an accomplishment 20 years ago, now it's sub-par. Unless you drive the current model year of a car with a price tag larger than your yearly income, you're just not good enough. Clean and neat clothes used to be all that mattered. If they fit your ass then they fit the bill. Now unless you're wearing $200 jeans you dress like a “scrub”.

At some point in the last 20 years it was no longer good enough for people to be full, they had to be stuffed. I mean that both literally and figuratively. Just look at how obese America is, we eat so much it causes our health to decline and our health care costs to skyrocket.

So where did we start to go wrong?

When I look back to my first few years of life on this planet I see a humble and decent lifestyle being had. People were still kind to their neighbors, kids were still playing with one another past dark on any street in America. I don’t believe anyone was ready for the drastic change that would begin to take place.

I distinctly remember the first time Halloween became an 'unsafe' holiday where kids couldn't be out past dark. As if all of a sudden the world at night time was a dangerous place. I remember frequently visiting parks with play grounds that no longer exist today because they were made of wood and not soft foam padding. It seems awfully funny of a premise, these were clearly far too dangerous to be used and yet my friends and I seemed to emerge from the challenge relatively unharmed other than a skinned knee here and there. I remember walking home from school when I was 10 with my friends because we were old enough. Now some schools won’t let kids outside the doors when they are 13 unless a parent has provided two forms of ID in order to retrieve them. When did this innocence get lost, and how do we find it again?

It could also be true that this is simply one of the qualities that the past holds, the quality of each day passing seeming better than the one ahead. Remember back to your freshman year of high school and think of all the good memories. You'll likely smile about all the good times you had with your friends, but at that time you were 14 and had no idea how precious those memories would become.

I like to think that my main focus in life is to actively improve on myself as a person. My goal is a constant cycle of trimming away the bad qualities and keeping the good ones. I am not always successful in this pursuit but I feel the question should be asked why does it seem hardly anyone else has followed the same path of improvement?

People hold so much value in showboating about how much they spent on their jeans or how much money they make at their job or how much expensive food they ate or how drunk they got. Is this all that life is about now? This endless pursuit of trying to feel better than everyone else, no wonder everything seems so shitty.

Why does everyone feel that they have to try to one-up the next guy? What is this deep seeded urge to show identity through how pseudo superior you are to everyone else? Don't get me wrong, I am all about healthy competition and in NO WAY do I believe we should allow a socialist agenda to take hold so we can all set ourselves on cruise control and no longer be concerned with progress, but they question must be asked - why does competition take place on the most unimportant of fields? Money? Cars? Material things?

Think of how wasteful those things are. Of how little they define you as a being. Sure, they are fun. I love new clothes or a few beers as much as the next guy, but in no way do these items define who I am and that very well may be the problem - people are letting themselves become defined by the most trivial criteria. People are so focused on this constant struggle to be better than everyone else that they no longer sit and think “maybe I should let that person stuck in traffic go” or “maybe my neighbors are decent people maybe I will go say hi to them”. See those acts right there are the “glue” that holds together the collective unit of mankind together. Without that we are just a bunch of assholes walking around thinking we are better than everyone else, that somehow our lives are marginally more important than random stuck in traffic person or person next door that you don’t know.

So maybe that is the point of this blog, searching not for when that glue disappeared but how we can get it back. It is very clear to myself and others that we are certainly lacking something right now and I think that this something is what made my childhood seem so decent. It seems it has a lot to do with where our priorities have shifted to and how those new priorities affect our interactions with one another. When your life is nothing but the pursuit of tangible objects it is very easy to focus on nothing but them. Gotta get that big house, gotta get that $45,000 car, gotta eat nothing but the best meals well beyond the dollar range of the other guy. We seem to think that this is what makes life worth living, that this is the new pursuit of happiness.

Maybe I'm a bit of a survivalist, but the main criteria that I used to value things is simply this: if civilization as we know it ends and there is no outside help, when money doesn't matter and it is me versus nature, does this item help me exist? For the important things in my life the answer is yes. My training, both physical and mental, will become invaluable in a very real sense. Everything else - your big home, your AMEX with the $50,000 limit, your $45,000 car - those will matter fuckall and they will suddenly go back to what they were viewed as before all this nonsense started; just products whose value only exists in a world that we have created.

Something tells me if it ever comes to that point you are going to wish you spent as much time getting to know your neighbor as you did working for that car.

2009-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm starving and I'm about to run out the door. In a slightly surly mood from work I don't want to pull anything too complicated out of the pantry so I go for the cashews. A tasty snack that's got a good protein content and a reasonable amount of fat for some energy. I'll need it since today was my first day back at kung fu in two weeks.

I hop in the car, still feeling less than perky and head off. I notice that a small gnat or mosquito got trapped in my car at some point. With the windows down I hope that the little guy makes it out to freedom before the hot Atlanta sun roasts his soul heartlessly on the dashboard of my Mazda. But he's not going for the rolled down windows, the guy is trying to make it out through the damn windshield!

My attention turns from the bug to the traffic ahead. In Atlanta there aren't many places you can go without stopping at an average of 586 red lights or dealing with people cutting into your lane at the last minute. I pause for a moment to let a lady in. She hesitates and I lean over the center console and glare at her with a blank face. Finally the woman realizes I'm letting her in and she smiles happily with a 'Thank you' style wave. Clearly she wasn't thinking that these native Atlantans would waste their precious time to be a decent human being.

At this point I couldn't help but laugh. Here I am surly from work sitting in traffic just steeping myself in anger - which is just a horrible thing to do. I shouldn't let anything stress me out like that. It has too much of a negative effect. But as soon as I started laughing I realized that this is an excellent idea. When ever you are angry or stressed do something nice for someone, no matter how small, but make sure that it's an unexpected courtesy so that you get a real genuine reaction from them, and your day will instantly brighten.

As I continue on the road I pass by two people walking and I overheard one young woman say, 'I hate..' and when this phrase coupled with my very recent traffic experience I had a profound idea. Does using negative language have a negative impact on someones life? All signs (in my head) logically point to yes because you are conditioning your brain to operate in a negative fashion. And maybe someone has written about this very thing before since it seems like a pretty obvious fact, but I think I'll implement this in my life and see what happens.

Still milling these ideas of negative language (and the condition of your attitude because of it) around in my head I feel a small piece of cashew stuck in my patchy facial hair and my tongue instinctively shoots out to capture it.

But now that I'm thinking about it.. that might have been my friend, the trapped bug.

2009-09-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

You know last week I had this deep charge that told me to blog angrily about how I push myself to train and when my real world life doesn't allow me to make it to class or do the things I know are really important I have a right to be hard on myself. I wanted to make points about pushing myself harder than the majority of the society we live in because I value what I have more than they do. I appreciate what they take for granted. I see and acknowledge the truly magnificent things that most people look over.

Or maybe that's just more self-important bullshit. I sit here now and while I still think that I need to push myself harder than I did before I can't use everyone else as a reason. Maybe this is just the next step I need to take to move forward. I really shouldn't use anything else other than myself as a reason to do anything.

Follow the path with heart. That's what don Juan said, right? The only one who knows that the path has heart lives in this meat shell. But this ties into what I was talking about just last week - one must be honest with oneself.

So I will continue to do what I do and appreciate the existence I've been given. Hopefully with time I will learn what I need to do, if it is anything different, and it won't be too late to achieve those things.

I think I've decided to turn this blog into a look into the twisted and convoluted world that exists in my mind. I personally think it's interesting (or maybe that's more of me thinking too highly of myself) and I can only hope that someone can use this as a tool to either avoid or steer towards the right or wrong way to live.

Only time will tell the truth.. if the truth even exists.

2009-09-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Upon the request of a friend I have decided to start writing in here again. Maybe if I update this more than once a month I can drum up some regulars.

You know, it's funny how the mind works. I have a million ideas stream through my head every day and even as I sat in this chair contemplating if I should get up and go to my computer to start writing (good thing my girlfriends laptop was sitting here) I had thought after thought whiz through my brain.

The strangest part of the mind is it's ability to protect itself. This may be exacerbated in my personal instance because I tend to seriously over-analyze things.. sometimes to the point where they no longer make sense.

But, for a moment let's assume that I am mentally stable and that I do think with a general clearness. I make this assumption because I typically function very well in just about all situations. This is not because I constantly think that I must act with honor or patience or peacefulness or vengeance or empathy.. I simply act and sometimes my actions fit these definitions. Sometimes they don't, but we're not all perfect.

I think that I am mentally stable and sane because I can remove myself from the protection of my ego and look at my faults (for example, my over-analysis.. among MANY others) but perhaps the protection of my ego is only partially removed, or maybe it has become really good at fooling me.

So operating under the assumption that I am sane and able to analyze myself truthfully we can come to a conclusion.

My way of thinking is threatening to people.

The way I perceive the world, the way I act, the way I think, the person I am is seen as a threat to those who cannot remove the protective layer of their ego and truly see themselves and their actions for what they are.

So instead of looking inward (where I typically look for answers) they, in a very Western fashion, look outward for blame. Sometimes I find this blame lands at my feet. Their ego cannot let them think for one second that the problem lies within *them* so naturally the problem must lie with someone else. They are invincible, infallible, untouchable.

While I do stand by my beliefs I also know that sometimes my thoughts, actions, and who I am are not in correct alignment with what is right and I must make a change. When these types of situations present themselves to me I stop protecting my ego and seriously analyze what can be wrong. I make adjustments that truly change who I am and continue on my path. Still acting without first considering if these actions are 'right' because, being a good person, they usually are right. Of course, when they're wrong I'm happy to admit it.

And this way of living is dangerous to some people. They don't understand what life is like without first wearing a mask and carefully calculating all their actions and thinking, 'How will this make me look?'

Since my presentation isn't of concern to me, it is a threat to those who are concerned by it. They try to pick apart the small faults that I've already admitted were faults. They try to compare how much better they are to my mistakes. In any way possible they try to measure themselves up to me to give themselves a pat on the back. Their ego says, 'It's okay. You don't have to worry about him because you're better than he is.' and then they supply themselves with an external reason of why they are a good person and never look inside to see who they truly are.

Their ego stretches to great lengths and snatches any opportunity to make itself feel better. There is no honesty, no integrity, no truth to define their thoughts, only the next external reason they can use to validate their existence and they crave it like a junkie needing their next fix.

Of course, I am open to the possibility that *my* ego has created all of the above to help protect *me*. This is the key difference between the way I think and the way most others think. I am open to blaming myself for my actions. I will be held accountable.

However, because most others are looking for external blame they like this option the best. I am willing to accept the repercussions for my actions and they are all too willing to deal it out. I am able to bend with the winds of change and adjust seamlessly and that is seen as the threat of being 'fake'. In no way am I fake, just adaptable and constantly evolving.

We stand in Darwin's waiting room. I am moving quickly towards the next evolutionary step while those who refuse to learn and grow lag behind and resent those of us who are far beyond their reach.

2009-08-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Saying 'Bless you.' after someone sneezes.

How long is this bullshit going to go on for?

Let's kick off this screed with my first statement - I have no issues with 'blessing' someone in whatever religious way you're comfortable with then they need it. Dying? Got your legs lopped off? Maybe a lawn dart missed it's intended target and is not currently residing in your eye socket. THESE ARE TIMES PEOPLE NEED BLESSINGS. Not when they sneeze. Not even close.

Think about what happens when you sneeze. You spray spit in a fine mist into the air. Likely some of it gets on me and whoever else is unfortunate enough to be within relative proximity of your DNA distribution. If someone walks up to you and spits in your face do you wipe it off and politely say, 'Well - Bless you! You might want to get some DayQuil!' NO. You are horrified and likely pretty angry.

So how is sneezing different? It's involuntary? That's bullshit, too. Sometimes when I have to dook so bad I might just INVOLUNTARILY SHIT MYSELF. Do you bless me then? No, I'm ashamed and swimming in dook and you're laughing or vomiting.

I know, I know - thousands of years ago people thought your soul was escaping blah blah fucking a thousand years ago Lord Kelvin said that 'heavier than air flying machines are not possible' (go ahead, Google it) and this guy discovered what we now refer to as Absolute Zero so he was a smart mother fucker. Do we go around disbelieving that planes work? Maybe it's some Harry Potter magic shit.

WE KNOW THE EARTH ISN'T FLAT. WE KNOW THAT WE'RE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. WE KNOW THAT ELECTRICITY EXISTS. WE KNOW THAT OUR GOD DAMNED SOULS ARE NOT LEAPING FROM OUR BODIES WHEN WE SNEEZE!!

STOP saying 'Bless you.'

It's not polite. It's not nice. It's fucking stupid and you're wasting my time because I either need to go into this rancid diatribe OR say, 'Thank you' and put on some damn mask so that you think I mean it. Neither of which I have time for.

2009-07-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

Do you know how to see? Or are you simply just looking?

Yes - I've been reading Castaneda. I've also been talking to Drrice and I certainly can't forget the Pale One when I write.

I have been able to see exactly once and it only lasted about 20 seconds. Maybe I wasn't ready or maybe I was and my mind shut it off fearing for itself. While I can't tell you specifically about my experience (because everyone will see in a different way) I can say that the world I was seeing appeared more beautiful and clear than I have ever seen before.

We should consider that we only see what we want to see and we do not actually 'see' the world because we may be scared of what we find. I'm on a path that I can never turn back from. No matter where I go in my life I have gained knowledge that will always be with me. I see this as a gift and a curse because while I am thankful for the knowledge I have, the more I acquire the more difficult life becomes.

I don't expect it to get any easier and I think that this uphill battle is too much for most people and that is why they refuse to see a purpose in this pursuit. Perhaps this is why people do not see, and only look, because in order to be able to see you must want it.

This desire is what separates me from others who share this physical world with me. Most will not even consider that anything aside from what you can physically see and touch is possible, and while some will consider it they still will not believe it.

Why is it so hard to believe? We, as a culture in the United States, watch X-Men and Twilight and play Halo3 and we love these things but.. only as pieces of science fiction. Why do we need to quarantine them in that way? There is a part of us that enjoys the possibilities - so why do we shut it off and limit it to video games, books, and movies?

..And the amount of time spent on these activities is another blog for another time.

But for now let's consider what we see. Are we merely looking at something? Or can we see the deeper meaning?

2009-06-22T08:01:00.001-07:00

Where do we begin? Let's start with a shotgun blast to cover all the key points.

People who have week long birthday celebrations are conceited husks with no sense of self-worth.

That should take care of offending nearly everyone. Now we'll start to pick this apart in a way that the average reader would in an attempt to either debunk my statement or try to make me look stupid.

First up, I know that I'm full of myself. I don't keep this quiet so it shouldn't shock you that I'm well aware of this. What I don't do is force people to participate in a week long 'Look at my I don't get enough attention and I need to feel better about myself because ultimately I am a waste of flesh' marathon where you proudly display that it's your birthday on every form of media you have available.

So, why do I care? Because it is this hollow sense of self-importance that is destroying society today. No one is actually deserving of a week long festival in their honor, yet they all feel that they deserve it. What have you done that entitles you to this? Unless you have successfully found a renewable and infinite energy source then I think it's safe to say you should can your antics and realize just who you really are.

Most of you are thinking, 'It's the one day of the year that I can make about me, why can't I just have that?' and go right ahead. Have your day and your cake. Just because I have never really celebrated my birthday does not mean that I have a pedestal to stand on and tell you that you can't have yours. But do you really need to make it so dramatic that everyone on the planet knows what week you have it in, but not what day it's on?

If this is what makes you feel happy and gives purpose to your otherwise meaningless life then go for it. I'll keep running my mouth about how it's incredibly self-absorbed and outwardly egocentric, though.

2009-06-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

I feel that the path I follow has more 'meat' more 'guts' and more 'real stuff' than a lot of others.

I explained this to my girlfriend today.

'95% of the people in this world just go to a job they do in some automated fashion so that they can get home and rot their brains on shitty TV while talking on the phone with their friends about either the shitty TV shows or their shitty job. Then they call up their other friends and back stab the ones who they were just talking to by talking shit about them.'

What is the point in this? Where is the progress? It is simply being selfish and hollow to exist this way.

But then she tells me - who am I to judge? I have chosen a path and it does not give me the right to become self-righteous and tell others that they are not living a worthwhile life.

And this is true. And as much knowledge as I can gain, I can never pass it on to anyone who does not want to learn it. I cannot make someone follow my path.

I do not know what is right in a true sense. I only know what I feel in my heart as important and what gives my life meaning and I need to learn not to judge others on what may give their life meaning.

2009-06-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted since January. Wow!

Now that I've got Twitter tied in with Facebook maybe I'll just shamelessly plug this blog for every new update.

I was watching the Discovery channel last night in my hotel room in Roanoke. The show was Inside Planet Earth and it was talking about the core of the planet.

To sum up the show, it basically said that the core of the planet is liquid metal and it creates the magnetic poles that we have now. It also creates a magnetic shield around the Earth that protects us from solar radiation that would ultimately kill all life on the planet. It also spoke about the core cooling slightly (about 6% every 100 years) and eventually the core will no longer produce heat - no more magnetic poles - no more magnetic shield.. well - you can see where this is going.

And now I'm going to get preachy and only slightly scientific so if that's too much for you then stop reading now. But this fucking planet is ALIVE. It is alive in the same way a tree is alive. You cannot see it grow because we, as humans, have developed this sense of urgency. If we don't see quick daily changes then we immediately rule out possibilities. This angers me - no one is opening their god damned eyes.

Global Warming, the Toyota Prius, all this propaganda and government agenda is just a moot point when you look at the big picture. The Earth is going to die because it is using the energy it had to protect us. How small does that make one feel?

The Northern Lights are indeed beautiful - but that magnificent light is the product of the Earths magnetic field trying to fight off solar radiation from entering the atmosphere. A cosmic battle that the Earth may be losing.

Now think about this every day when you get up and thank whoever you pray to that you still exist. It is AMAZING! Do not take life for granted! This makes me feel insignificant but it does not mean that my life is worthless. This makes me want to appreciate everything that I have.

This is exactly why life is not about getting drunk and trying to pick up skeezers at a bar. This is why life is not about buying the most expensive car that you can't really afford or trying to have the biggest house on the street. Those things come from a lack of self-worth .. Realizing how fortunate we are GIVES us self-worth!

There is evidence to suggest that the poles are shifting. We don't know what this means, but it could mean anything from tidal waves to the actual shifting of the Earths rotation. And this brings up new topics..

For one, the magnetic field around the Earth will be gone for several months while the poles change. Two, if the poles change the Earths rotation then our new North and South could be NYC and Tokyo. And IF that happens, think about colonizing the 'old' poles! We would have all new land to build on and to harvest for resources (this assumes that we survive the pole shift, but I have faith that the strong will continue- those with purpose) then we will have another chance to create civilization again and this time we will not fall into overconsumption and destruction - parhaps we will live WITH nature and not destroy it.

Maybe that is what 2012 is about.

Who knows.

If anyone wants to jabber about these topics or anything I said, IM me or fly to Atlanta. My mind is going to go wild down here if I can't spill these crazy ass thoughts out.

2009-01-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

New Years Resolutions Are Shit Along With Your Attitude.

It's the time of year where the gyms are packed with fatties and smokers, the grocery store is out of tofu, garden burgers, and everything else that tastes shitty, sales for anyone selling a product with 'Diet' in the name are spiking, and Billy Blanks is out on a Caribbean cruise with the guy who invented the Bo-Flex and Tony Little.

Everyone has a new found desire to do something with their lives. Everyone is motivated because it's a new year and suddenly the past 40 years of complete worthlessness pale in comparison to the first week. People have motivation to get shit done, but it doesn't last for long.

While I plan to examine this further, the only thing I can do right now is look deeper into myself for the reasons I do not, in any way, participate in these lofty resolutions.

I always am aware that I can improve myself. I don't wait for January 1 to start these improvements, I work on them right away. For the past 1.5 years it's been working great. I constantly look for better ways of thinking, better lifestyles, better habits, just anything that I can learn from to do what I currently do, but do it better.

I come across as an arrogant and full-of-himself ass 90% of the time, but in reality I am always learning from people around me. I take the best of every idea and melt them into my own. This is a constant activity - not a week long shit storm where I try to recover from 52 weeks of digressing into a Neanderthal.

So, although I appear to be confident and high on my horse - I really am humble and willing to learn and accept things that are done better by other people. If you haven't seen this side of me, well, it's because I don't have anything to learn from you. Sorry!

If we all try to improve ourselves each day, we can make a huge impact. On your life, on the people that are in your life, on the new people you meet each day. Don't be intimidated by anyone - imitate them. Don't get upset - understand. Don't try to instigate - try to inspire.

This doesn't mean you have to be all rainbows and birthday clowns all day long. Shit, I'm an asshole. But I'm not saying that I'm perfect either. None of us are, but as long as we are reaching for something better then we're making the effort, and that doesn't go unnoticed.

2008-12-26T19:27:00.001-08:00

Sorry for all the backdates.. I've been writing and not posting. I'll keep things more consistent in the future.

The Ghost That Haunts Progression.

When I look at the relationships I have with my friends, I see that things have changed. I look back on last winter when we got together a lot and did a lot of things together. I see how this dynamic has changed in the past 12 months and everyone has become busier and due to that, they are available less.

It is natural to feel that I have not changed. That I am still around just as much as I was then, but I know that this is not true. It is acceptable to think that everyone else has grown more distant and that I have been trying to hold whats left together, but this cannot be confirmed.

My greatest concern comes from the lack of desire to be there for each other. And in this respect I think that I am still just as much there for my friends as I always was. I try to show up to any events or get togethers that we have because that is something that I feel is very important - just being there.

It's discomforting to know that this policy is self-destructive, and the further we drift apart the further we push each other away. In a sense it frustrates me because I want to pull everyone together again with a nostalgic sentiment for the way things were in the past. And this sentiment, it's been said, is the ghost that haunts progression.

As we move forward through life, I know in my heart that every one of my friends has a strong will and they make decisions that make them happy. This is ultimately all we can do, look out for ourselves and the ones we care about the most. But that caring comes with a burden of responsibility, we have to let our friends go and blaze their own path, and a true friend understands these choices and supports them even though they change the way these relationships used to be.

I am on both sides of this rotten coin. While I know that I should support my friends and simply encourage them to be happy, I want nothing more than to be selfish and bring things back to how they were. For now, I will hold these memories close to me and use that energy to push myself forward, to progress.

2008-12-26T19:26:00.008-08:00

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dive in.

My mind races in circles when I think about the future. I was never one to put too much weight on other peoples actions. I thought, for a long while, that relying on other people was a foolish waste of time (because for a long while, it was).

Now I'm in a peculiar position. One were I'm placing the entirety of myself into the path of another. Being drawn along for a ride, and I'm not sure where it's going. While it's exciting, I also feel a bit of trepidation.

I thought about this decision almost every day. I wondered if things would be alright. I didn't know where I'd end up or if I'd be happy there. There was a lot of doubt in my mind.

At that point, there was two options. I chose to embrace this journey with everything I am. There are no wrong decisions, just what you learn from the choices you make.

And I'm always learning.

I'll leave this bit alone for now. I'd like to talk about opportunities that life gives you and how people react to them differently, but I feel that topic is too tired for tonight. Might we discuss it another.

2008-12-26T19:26:00.007-08:00

Watch eeettt!

Tonight I realized that I'm often uncomfortable in situations that I do not control. I have a need to be dominant over the events taking place and I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

I need to dive further into this, because I really don't think that I feel that I have to micro-manage every aspect of every environment that I'm in. I don't really feel like I have to participate at all. But I have a weird inclination to control the crowd, make everyone laugh, be the center of attention (or at least feel like I am).

But then, on the flip side, I really don't mind sharing the spot light. I let people have their time and their events without an issue. I don't always need to be the loudest or most noticed - but I do like to think that I can have those things without a moments notice.

I like entertaining. I like telling stories and making people laugh. I like the attention.

But, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. But I'm working on it. And I think with more thought will come a decision as to whether this is good or bad.

2008-12-26T19:26:00.005-08:00

Monday, December 01, 2008

Own it.

What are we, if we are not defined by our actions?

And who is hurt when one acts upon a conviction that one does not truly hold? Is it the recipient of this action? Or is it the person who has committed the action based on a false pretense?

Who are we, if we are not what people think of us? One may deceive some people all of the time, but one cannot deceive oneself for too long.

Acting falsely and lying to oneself only bring destruction and loneliness to ones life. For a short while it may seem possible to deny who you really are, but there is no way to keep up the act for a lifetime. The longer you pretend, the harder you come crashing down.

Embrace who you are. Change what you don't like. Improve the things you do.

2008-12-26T19:26:00.003-08:00

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Don’t blink, you’ll never know what you’ll miss.

If I justify my life by what I can give to others, does that make me selfish?

If the tool that I use to measure the meaning of my existence is graduated by the impact I've had on the people I know, does that make me greedy?

Is there a way to truly show selflessness without seeking some sort of personal gain?

For me, I get a really great feeling when I'm able to do something for someone. It's the type of feeling that swells inside you and rises from your stomach until it gets caught in your throat. It's a feeling that makes makes tears collect in my eyes. It's joviality in it's purest form. Unrefined. Raw.

I am not the kind of guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve. The people that are close to me can cut through what's happening on the outside and know what's really going on with me, but only sometimes.

So for me to be able to engage this feeling in the way that I do, it's incredible. And it might hit me so hard because I feel that I'm not able to do enough for my friends and family, or maybe it's because I've got the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, but it makes me feel like I'm making a positive impact.

It makes me feel that I'm meant to do something big, something that will effect people in a huge way. Something that will have such widespread results that I will be able to realize them and feel this way no matter where I turn.

Maybe someday I'll get around to it.

2008-12-26T19:26:00.001-08:00

Friday, October 31, 2008

5 years and I’m all set.

I was just reminded yesterday that my 5 year high school reunion is the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Then I thought quickly about the people that I'd like to see there.

I came up with no one.

I stopped, and I thought harder about someone who I haven't seen since high school that I'd actually want to talk to about what they're doing with their life.

Still, I came up with no one.

If I want to know anything about anyone I went to high school with I have a way to contact them.

Damn. I'm a cynical motherfucker. It's kinda sad. :(

2008-12-26T19:25:00.001-08:00

On the seventh day, I rested.

I'd like to take a minute to write about life's balancing act.

I realize this may be a tired subject for some of you, but I honestly think that it's so complicated that one person can never figure it out entirely. If you have input, I'd love to hear it.

Life has slowed down just a bit in the past two weeks. I'm in between studying because I'm waiting for hardware I ordered to come in. I've removed every part from my project vehicle that needs to be removed. I'm left with nearly no additional tasks aside from work.

4 months ago I'd have dreamed of days like this. Nothing to do. My brain can shut off and I can still operate at a reasonable level. I can sleep in without worrying about missing anything. This would have been euphoric to me.

But here I am - bored.

I need projects. I need things to do. I need to work 6 out of the 7 days of my week. If I'm not constantly on the move I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my time.

Everyone needs time to slow down and decompress once in a while.. but for me this has been too much. I'm out of balance and I'm not content.

2008-11-27T20:22:00.001-08:00

My Idea of Faith.

I feel that I owe you a few words.

I feel that statying true to yourself isn't always easy to do.

I feel that no matter how hard I try to run from my past it's always there to bite me in the ass.

I feel that my best efforts to be a great friend are often combated with my inability to connect with my feelings.

I feel that I'm emotionally underdeveloped and I'm too jealous.

I know that things that have happened to me in past relationships effect my current ones.

I know this isn't fair.

I know that I don't like to drink too much.

I know that I want to get out of this state (and maybe even this country).

I know that deep down, buried somewhere in the foundation of who I am, there are issues that I've never really resolved.

I know that although I've built myself into a stronger person that these issues still rise up and try their best to throw me off balance.

I'd like to think that my life goes through progressive stages.

I'd like to think that with each new stage I leave behind what I didn't like about myself and fill the spaces that are left with things that I do.

I'd like to think that, for the most part, the past year has happened in this fashion.

I'd like to think that my disconnection with my feelings is a good thing.

I know it's not.

2008-10-05T01:20:00.001-07:00

Tacos and Toughguys

With my girlfriend out of town I often find myself in trouble. She keeps me in line and that's part of the reason why I love her.

My good friend Erik had called me to let me know that he was heading down to the local watering hole for a few beers on the cheap. His girlfriend works there who is also a good friend of mine and since I had just woken up from a glorious slumber I decided there would be no better way to spend my evening.

After a few stiff drinks and several games of darts (all of which I lost) we found ourselves at the end of the bar with the owner, Jess, and one of the owners friends who thought he was the end all be all of the music industry.

I listened to him talk about his band for just about 15 minutes when I had decided that he knew little to nothing about what he was talking about. He tried to sound like he had been in the music making industry for his whole life, but when he tried to compare Staind to Michael Jackson's Thriller I knew he was a complete douche canoe.

We left shortly after I told him that I couldn't stand to talk to him anymore. Things became slightly heated and I tried to contain myself but after nearly 2 pints of whiskey it was difficult to stiffle my words. They poured out of my mouth just as freely as the bullshit he was spouting out of his.

Taco Bell was the destination for Erik, Jess, and I as I rambled on in the car about how ignorant that cunt-pickle actually was. Erik had heard enough of him early on in the conversation and turned a deaf ear, but I was so infuriated by his words that I could not let his proclamations go without rebuttle.

The Taco Bell drive through line was the most interesting of our interactions for that night. We had been laughing the whole way to the chain-food restaurant while making fun of the low-rent neanderthal and his closed-mindedness when I decided (for no good sober reason) to get out of the car.

A group of 16-18 year old kids who had just asked their mom if they could take her Buick out for a spin ended up behind us in line for greasy chalupas. They thought it would be a funny idea to hang out of the car and shout at me while I climbed on the hood of Jess's SUV ini an attempt, I think, to be at the highest vantage point in the parking lot. From there, I assumed, I could have a vast perspective of all goings-on and be the first to perceive events before they even took place.

While at my God-like pedestal (where I rightly belong) I had over heard one of the pre-pubecent teens yell at me to get back in the car. I thought nothing of it, and the frosty dew beneath my feet began to give way. I slid off of the hood of the vehicle and landed safely on my feet. Once I no longer had to concentrate on standing upright, I heard more yelling. I'm not sure what they had said, even at this point, and I'm only writing this 1 hour later. I'm sure it was nearly unintelligable since these pimply cum-guzzlers were up so late. There is no way any responsible parent would let their child out at this time of night.

As I walked back towards the back door to get in the car I heard the front passenger say, 'Get in the car bitch!' Typically, I don't like being called names unless you're a good friend of mine. So I thought I'd head back one car length to see what these scroteskins were talking about.

Papa Scrote thought it would be a wise idea for him to stand up, outside of the car and call me more names. 'Yea you're coming over here all tough.' he said. Really I was just going to see what all the fuss was about, but if you're going to make a scene, who am I to tell you no? I knocked on the back of the car to let Erik know what was going on. He casually observed from the rear view mirror.

It wasn't until I kicked the door of the Buick into the pimply boys chest that Erik got out. King Dickhead thought that if he said, 'If you're not going to hit me, just get back in the car!' that I would actually comply and perform the latter. I left a size 12 foot print in the Buicks side door, and I'm certian that there was a much lager print on Captain Douche's torso.

While he lay on the ground writhing in pain Erik gave me a 'Awww c'mon.' look. We both hopped back in the car and Jess stomped on the gas. I remember very little other than feeling the car travel up and over the grassy medium that seperated the drive through from the main road. We didn't wait for the light, assault on a minor probably isn't something a court justice would smile upon.

As we drove by, we saw Sergeant Sack being picked up by his three friends. They poured him into the car as he held his midsection. From what I could tell from my increasing distance, he was throwing up on himself. I could only smile as we joked about it on the way home. That poor kid is probably never going to say another word to anyone else in his entire life.

This is Bizz - teaching respect and tact to young children one swift kick at a time.

2008-09-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

DUI? Dewey? Dee Ewe Eye? No. FRI-DAY.

Now kids, listen carefully - I DO NOT CONDONE DRINKING AND DRIVING. Our title here was just a playful mantra for tonights absolutely outstanding turn of events. (Bad grammar? Lick my scrote.)

After an unusually slow Friday at work, my good friend calls me at about 4pm.
-Hey, we're going to Brew Fest. You wanna come?
I'm broke as hell. I'm trying to NOT spend money and this goes completely against the plan. I had a nicely laid out agenda of eating a small dinner with no booze and possibly seeing my girlfriend if I was still awake.
-It's $20 to get in, and they give you ten tokens for beers.
I did some quick math. That was only about $2 per beer. And there was the possibility of using my charming personality and stunning good looks to get more, gratis. Righteous. How could I pass this up?
-I'm in.
We met and carpooled not long after this conversation took place.

Upon entering, we noticed the fairgrounds to be a bit.. empty. Who cares. We started drinking. First up was some Long Trail Blackberry Wheat. A decadent brew whose barley-powered flavor sent my taste buds reeling. We quickly finished the first beer. I needed to eat, badly, I could feel my stomach turning on me.

I'm not sure if any of you are aware of what happens to a man if he drinks on an empty stomach.. or - better yet - what happens to ME when I drink on an empty stomach. But I assure you that it's nothing short of anarchy and a maniacal sense of world domination. So we opted for some BBQ pulled chicken. A wise choice.

A few more beers and we bump into more friends of ours who tip us off that Dog Fish Head is pouring 12% porter at their tent. Outstanding. This is where I'll station myself, with good footing, and pour as much of this into my face as my wooden coins would allow.

Turns out, if you ask these kind folks working these tents for a 'sample' they give you a full glass, but they take no tokens. Truly a magnificent discovery, Nobel worthy, and we certainly planned to abuse this small loop hole to our fullest advantage!

Hours passed. We didn't give any of our circular pieces of wood for trade in a beer exchange, and things were looking great. At least from my perspective, which was blurred, euphoric, and distorted at best.

It had been hours, and I needed to relieve myself. In blunt language - I needed to piss. Bad. It seems in all of my beer drinking glee I had forgot about this function of life.

I stepped into what had to have been the cleanest Port-a-Potty that I've ever seen. It was spotless. I was impressed. Of course, it was only 6pm. I imagined what would have happened had my friends decided to tip this portable fecal dumpster over. Would I drown in a sea of blue sterilizing liquid? Would I fall out of the front door, penis in hand, covered in used toilet paper? Had my mind run away from me? Would I ever get it back? If I didn't, would it be for the worse?

All of these thoughts rushing through my brain as if I was still working, trying to critically think and solve a problem.

I shook myself, mostly to clear my head. It was time to drink as much beer as I could steal from these poor saps. Surely I am the only one who has found this 'sample' loophole!

As I exited the human waste containment unit I found that more people had found out about this Brew Fest. And that all the beer here was not mine alone. This made me slightly angry, until I realized that I had more to drink than I had expected.

Oh well. We're out of here. At this point we've been in this stinky rotten tent with all these low-rent miscreants for so long that I wanted nothing more than to be free of their stench.

We joined with other friends at a local chain restaurant, where we ordered $3 well margaritas with a copious amount of tequila and yelled at the waitresses in a slightly profane tone. I don't remember what was said, but I do remember the waitress saying, 'I lost. We drew straws to see who would get you guys back there.' when she came to our table.

This, of course, only angered us more, and we thought it would be wise to see how much we could torment this waitress until she gave up.

Too late, bored again. We left before she finished serving our party. Dropped a few dollars on the table and headed to the liquor store.

We were headed to another friends house, who had apparently invited hundreds of people to have a party since he was moving out. This was clearly a lie once we arrived and doubled the population.

After meeting quite possibly the coolest kid ever, Antonio, and learning many unspeakable Italian words for parts of the female anatomy, we got bored.

I left early. Now, I'm tired. I'm sitting on my girlfriends couch waiting for her to come home. I need to stay awake until she does, since she doesn't have any keys to get in otherwise. Thanks for keeping me awake for the past 30 minutes.

2008-09-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

I think it is one of the most important characteristics of a person to know when to stand your ground and fight for something that you truly believe in. A close second is to know when to keep your mouth shut and exercise tact in a situation that would not benefit from the verbalization of your disagreement with a subject.

Of course, in the event that you must disagree, there are some rules of engagement.

Assess your audience. If you're talking to a friend of a friend, you can be as blunt and straight forward as you need to be to beat him into submission. However, if you're talking to your Aunt, you need to show a little more respect.

Try to avoid personal insults. I feel like this should be obvious, but there is nothing more classless than trying to win a debate by calling someone else names or attacking their personal life. However, if your opponent crosses this line, then all bets are off. Try to show some regard, however, and if you word it carefully enough others might not even pick up on what you've said.

Outsmart your opponent. There is nothing I like better than walking someone into a verbal trap by using convoluted language.

These rules apply when you truly believe that something being discussed is important enough to you to share your input.

However, recently I've crossed paths with someone who doesn't truly believe what they're arguing about. They're just regurgitating what they've been told their whole lives. They've never questioned it, it just gets spit back up when the time is right.

These are my favorite types of debates, because rather than focusing on the subject at hand, you can simply scrutinize the other person about why they feel the way they do. 99% of the time they have absolutely no idea why they think what they think is right and you're a clear victor before the debate even happens.

The sweetest part about these types of conversations, is that the other person will get so upset that their ignorance has just been exploited, that they'll start coming at you with personal attacks. At this point, it's best to stay nimble and avoid personally attacking them back. Remember, you've already won before this began and now they're giving you a shot to embarrass them further.

I've been a serious asshole in the past. I know it's part of who I am, but I control it and I try to walk a thin line to where it's more humorous then offending. Lately, it's been working pretty well. It's important to be able to pick your battles wisely, because they all inevitably relate to one another.

Remember who you are and what you believe in, but always be willing to listen to an alternative idea. Don't come out guns blazing when it's not what you think. That other idea might be something you relate to more closely then your current set. The ability to mold multiple points of view and opinions into something that is unique to yourself is, I think, what wisdom truly is. No one knows everything, but the wise know that everyone knows something, and they extract it.

2008-08-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

With all of this wedding activity going on around me I can't help but think of a day when I plan and have my own wedding.

That is, if I can find a girl who's crazy enough to decide to spend the rest of her life with me.

Thoughts like having the wedding party enter the ceremony to some tune from a Jock Jams CD, barreling down the aisle with their arms outstretched, accepting hi-fives from the attendees. Or being announced as a married couple for the first time in public and coming into the room with the Imperial March blasting.

Wild illusions that would never fly with even the most radical of women.

But diving even deeper into the thought of a wedding is this lurking idea that I'm probably never going to be a best man when any of my friends get married. Which, I think, disappoints me to an extent because I won't be able to speak at their wedding. Now, when I'm on the spot and I have to say something from the heart it comes out terrible unless I'm given a fair amount of time to organize my thoughts. But if I was assigned the task of giving a speech I think I would do reasonably well.

I'm not disappointed because I want to be the center of attention for a minute or ten, I'm disappointed because I don't think I've ever been that close of a friend to any of my good friends. My oldest, and for this reason I consider my best, friend is Zach. I've known Zach for something like 13 years, but almost 5 of those he's been away serving our country. I know him, I know his mannerisms, I know how his brain works, or at least I think I do. And that's the part that really gets me - I don't really know the inner workings of any of my friends. I associate with all of them on a different level.

It's not that I conscientiously make a decision to never get that close with any of my friends, or to learn that much about them. But for whatever reason, I don't. I just hope that they know that I'm willing to listen and learn about them, or that I'm willing to be there for them if they need anything. I hope that my friends realize how much they mean to me, and that I hold the (sometimes very specific) relationships that I have with them close to me.

It's not like me to hope and wish and think, I'm more of a do'er than anything, but I'm truly at a loss for action. I simply do not know how to convey this element of myself effectively. This is something that I'm going to focus on.

This goal should be infinitely more attainable than finding a girl who can tolerate my socially unacceptable attitude and overall surliness.

2008-07-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

What did 5 fingers say to the face?

I haven't written anything new about in 13 days, which isn't to say that I haven't wanted to - but I just haven't had the time.

And yet, when I do have the time I can't find a way to write what I want to say. Lately I've been in a transitory phase where I've been re-aligning my ideals and morals with my outlook on life. I've been observing others interact and studying their lives. I've been trying really hard to be a good friend and make up for times that I haven't been.

Sometimes it's tough to be a good friend. I see a friend as someone who looks out for your best interest without putting personal motivation in front of well being. I'm guilty of these things myself, and I'm trying to resolve the issues that I have created. I used to think that standing up for myself and what I believed in was the right way, and if someone didn't like what I said or did, I didn't care because they didn't understand me anyway.

I'd say that people don't know me, and that's why they think I'm an asshole. That's not entirely true.. I really was just being an asshole.

I'm not selling my values short, or compromising my integrity - I'm working on becoming a better person. It's not an easy transition. I used to be very stubborn and realizing that getting your way only works for a very short period of time hits hard.

I feel very fortunate to have the friends that I have. It's not every day you find a group of people you can count on for help, who aren't afraid to verbally slap you in the mouth and tell you that you're acting like an idiot, and genuinely look out for your best interest.

It's when their hidden agendas drive their reason behind their advice that things get complicated. It's tough to sort out between the two. Mark Twain had said, 'Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.'

I'm working on being great. I'm creating a more positive outlook on life. There are things in my life that have changed in the past few months that have made me realize this, and for that I'm truly thankful. This change cannot happen over night and it will probably take the rest of my life to work out. But I feel that as long as I strive to be positive and reflect that onto the ones that I meet, that the reaction can only reproduce positivity. Challenge my friends, push them to succeed and support them when they falter.

This, in a sense, is my way of putting my faith back in humanity.

2008-06-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

This time of year the sun sets just past the trees in my backyard, and it's at just the right angle to render my right eyeball completely useless. It comes charging in through the door to the backyard and stands inches from my face in all of it's 8-minute-old glory, pompous, knowing full well I can't do anything but deal with it for another 10-15 minutes.

I was driving back from a client in Wilmington, MA just last week when I saw a license plate frame on the back of an Audi S6, all seventy-five thousand dollars of it, that said, 'Success is the best revenge.'

And yea, I've heard that phrase before but most people say it without actually being able to back it up. And yea, this guy could just have a $75,000 car and a $1,500/mo car lease, but for some reason I seriously doubt that.

I loved it. I hope he (or she) gets to drive around their home town frequently as their classmates from high school look on from the drive through window of a shitty fast food joint and say to themselves, 'Man, I shouldn't have been such a dickhead to _____'

I hope that this guy (or girl) frequently shops at the retail stores that those idiots from town work at. I hope that he gets to buy expensive clothing and ring up bills of more than those rotten bastards make in a month.

I hope, that at least somewhere in this world, all the cool kids from the popular cliques in highschool are getting the 21-gun, King Hell, FUCK YOU salute that they've deserved all along, and I hope it comes in the purest form of satisfaction from those who may not have been as cool.

My eyes have stopped seeing red, at least for the moment. I'm not sure if it's because the sun went down or because I've spent the last 400 words ranting about karma.

2008-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

Like Bringing a Screwdriver to a Nail Gun Fight.

My To-Do list is daunting at the least. Each time I think I knock something off, I take a step back to admire my accomplishment, and then an immediate step forward - head down - to make note of two more items that need to be added to the list.

Priority right now is getting a video together and preparing (see: cleaning) for my Grandfather's 71st birthday on Saturday.

There's a lot to do, but as I am shuffling through nearly 200 photos of his life something came to the front of my mind. It was a small amount of sadness, disbelief, and a fair amount of regret.

200 photos? Is that all? We have contacted nearly every family member in the country to send in pictures and few people had any.

My Grandfather is a strong, stubborn man. I spent a lot of time with him when I was young. He's hot headed, a poor loser, and easily aggravated. After I looked at these pictures from year ago, I wonder when these features set in. During his earlier years he seems to be the ham in the pictures. What I've also seen in these photos is that he's experienced quite a bit in his life time.

What I've noticed, most of all, is that I don't really know my Grandfather. Up until recently I had never spoke to anyone about his young adult life, where he came from, who he grew up with, what he did, or what he wanted to be. I don't know stories about him as a boy, he's never shared his life experiences with me, we didn't play catch or cards.

I love my Grandfather with all my heart - but I regret never really being close to him. I guess I regret never really being close to any of my family members. But I'm working on that. I have to believe that it's never too late to learn.

I think that I need to readjust my priorities to things that are really important. I need to spend more time with my family. I want to learn about their history and their lives. I want detail. I want to know how their lives help me identify myself as a person. I want to know the events they experienced that identified them as a person. I just want to know anything and everything.

So each time I can remove something else from my list of tasks, I'll remember that one thing will always remain - family.

2008-06-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

A word on weddings.

It's starting to happen. People I know are getting married. Each year there's more of them, and usually I don't give it much thought. I guessed that they liked each other enough to put up with one another's shit for the rest of their lives, I would assume that they can deal with what they like and don't like about the other person well enough to say, 'Yea, we can spend 24 hours a day together for the next 50 or 60 years, sure.'

But recently something has changed. I received a wedding invitation for my friend Rich's wedding to his fiance just a few days ago. (Is that a dangling participle?) Whether it was the way the invitation was written, or the greater message it delivered, it moved me. Two people are going to vow to be completely devoted to one another for the rest of their lives. Thick and thin, good or bad, angry, happy, or hungry, they're willing to commit to each other unconditionally.

And that to me is romantic. It's love in it's purest form. Joviality washes over me, and I'm happy for these two people.

Anyway, to prove that I've not gone soft: I got into a fist fight with a black bear yesterday and I broke his jaw. Then I kicked him in the ribs while he was down. His cubs attempted to swarm me from all sides, but I picked one up by the face and dug my thumbs into it's eyeballs, then swung it around like a baseball bat, crushing the other two small bears.

Then I ate their hearts and wore their guts as a necklace while I climbed on top of the highest hill I could find to pronounce my war cry - letting all the other creatures of the forest know that I am all that is man.

Then I cried when I got that bears wedding invitation in the mail.

2008-06-19T20:50:00.001-07:00

God, and all it’s implications.

I was fortunate enough to see Keeping the Faith a few nights ago. For those who aren't familiar with the film, it stars Edward Norton and Ben Stiller, who are a priest and a rabbi, respectively. Religion was a small undercard in the movie, but it got me thinking..

What do I believe? Organized religion has always bothered me. The idea that people put all of their faith and will into a God (that they've never even seen before) to do things for them is just absurd. I see signs in front of churches like, 'P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens' and my mind is blown. Does no one take charge of their own life? Do they just expect something to happen for them?

I work towards everything I have. If I don't like something, I'm the one who changes it. I take charge, I'm in control. I run this ship. I don't pray to some invisible Jewish zombie to help me out. That's about as effective as using the Bat Signal or calling the Power Rangers, and just about as foolish.

But I cannot think for one second that there isn't another power or entity that helps or effects, at least to some extent, our lives. Too many strange things have happened in my life for me to think that we all have individual paths that we walk, and sometimes they cross. There has to be a reason they cross, right?

So I think that my idea of God works as follows.
-It's not a being, a person, or a single object.
-It cannot help you achieve anything unless you are willing to work for it.
-It is not leading you on a life path.
-Nothing is 'part of Gods plan'
-It does not work in mysterious ways.

These are all just bullshit lines the church feeds people so that they can deal with the life that they've run into the ground.

God is the collective will of a group of people and the desire to help others succeed. God only exists if you want it to. God is the power of the mind, and it's a powerful thing. God can exist to one person and be completely unique. God is your personal ambition, will, and drive.

And this theory can come full circle. If one can create and destroy their own personal God, who is God? Is it you? Me?

I'd like to think that there is a small part of every human that wants to help others in a time of need, to be good people, to be honest and work hard. And that small part of every person can be combined to create something huge, something that is bigger than all of us.

I'm still not a fan of organized religion, and I'm still very young, so this theory might change. I am, however, entitled to believe what I want, and this makes a lot of sense to me.

At least a lot more than praying to some holy avenger to off my enemies or make me rich..

2008-06-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

Double booked.

What are you up to?

Nothing.. just finishing up these photos for my Grandfathers birthday party.

When is that again?

Two weeks exactly.

Aren't we going camping that weekend?

...

Times like these seem to be a recurrent event in my life. A carousel of bad planning and crushed hopes. I was really looking forward to camping. I had built it up in my mind to be a mixture of good friends that I've had for a while and new people I really enjoy spending time with. It was a reciepe for new memories that I could capture with my new camera. It was to be the kick off of a good summer, a good year.

I hadn't really put that much thought into how much I was looking forward to it until I realized that I couldn't go.

I'm reminded of a time when I was a child and I had lost my temper while building Legos. Nothing was fitting together as it should and I finally got sick of the god damned thing and smashed it. It was only then that I realized how much I wanted to keep it.

My epilogue is a story of short temper, while my main idea here is not. But you get the idea.

Time gets spread so thin. And it only seems to be getting worse. I get so caught up in my own life that I feel like I'm missing out on some of the really important parts. But I'm trying my hardest to make everything balance out, and I think that's important. Thompson once wrote, 'Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.' He was never much of a philosopher, but if he was talking about life, and not luck (which could be argued) then at the very worst he'd be a strange man to take advice from, but at the very best you can learn a bit from what he's said.

Sometimes we simply cannot balance on this wire. Most of the time we're struggling to stay upright and we never really move forward. Other times we're charging forth so blindly that balance means nothing and we just want to get to the other said, which inevitably never comes and we're left looking backwards at what we could possibly have missed.

I don't want to miss much, but there are people in my life that I don't get to see much of while I'm spending my time balancing on this wire. Work, studying, and errands take a heavy toll. If I get a chance to put these down, I like to rest.

When I rest, I close my eyes and I think about leaving everything behind to live my own life the way I want it. To be able to do what I'd like when I feel like it and not have any real responsibilities. Life would be easy, slow, clear.

But that life wouldn't be fullfilling to me, not in the least. So I'll keep double booking, I'll keep struggling to stay balanced, and I'll keep moving forward without any real direction or indication as to where I'll end up.

Wherever it is, I know that I'll be home.

2008-01-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was able to make it to the cinemas to see Sweeney Todd.

Movies.com gave it an A, their readers gave it a B+, I'd give it a 'Holy Fucking Shit.'

It was everything that I could want in a movie. Johnny Depp has a surprisingly great singing voice, the music and dialouge was intrecate but very well oraganized, Tim Burton did an incredible job as the movie carried his typical dark fashion, but a small section towards the middle of the film had that 'Big Fish' feel to it with bright colors and gleeful music, and of course the gore - this was handsdown the most gruesome musical I have ever seen.

A perfect film. I'd watch it again right now if I could. Certainly a movie you need to see!

2008-01-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

So, the 3rd World Series of Beer Pong is underway in Las Vegas.

http://openpresswire.com/2008/01/04/world-series-of-beer-pong-iii-in-las-vegas/

Upon reading the first few sentences of the article, I was struck with a feeling that I can only describe as shock. The 'liquid' in the cups is water. Fucking water? Are you kidding? The art of Beer Pong is to be good while you're staggering around drunk off your ass from winning the past 8 games straight (Dusti). When you remove beer and getting drunk from the equation, you've got a bunch of white-baseball-hat-frat-boys throwing ping pong balls into cups. That's fucking stupid.

The only way that the winners of this tournament deserve that $50k is if they can beat everyone, avoid poisoning themselves with alcohol, and still stand up at the end.

Water Pong. Sounds riviting.

2007-09-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

I almost feel like I've meandered a little of course here. I originally started this blog to write about consumer products or commercial business experiences but lately I find myself writing about day to day life.

I'm just gonna roll with it. So we'll move right on to my next topic.

The English language (US version). Has anyone else noticed the complete degradation and bastardization of the Kings English? Leave it to America to take something fully functional and completely ruin it in less than 200 years.

Words that shouldn't even exist like 'ginormous' and the lacking concept of their/they're/there makes my blood boil. What happened? Has America become that lazy and lackadaisical that no one cares? And what's worse, no one cares to correct it! 'Dude, who cares?' You fucking should you sack of steaming shit.

Help me stop the retardation of our language by at least learning basic grammar and spelling. It's not that hard.

2007-09-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like we're all in this together. No one really knows what they want or how they're going to get it. They just know what they get and decide if it's what they want later on.

And that's why we're all here with broken hearts and empty glasses. Somewhere, somehow along the way things got mixed up.

So we hate the past and we can't reel the future in fast enough. Ironically, because of this we often pass up the best things life has to offer or scare them away because we're chomping at the bit for the next best thing.

We move on, looking forward but never right where we are. We anticipate the next big event and rush everything else along to get there. And before you know it, it's gone. And you're left with a strange feeling. Not one of disappointment or regret - but a bittersweet nostalgic emotion that tears you apart from the inside out.

Not everything turns out as we expect. But in the end you have to have a sense of camaraderie because we're all here in the same sinking ship. We're all hoping that the next person we meet, or the next place we go will have something to keep this vessel alive.

2007-09-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

It hit me about 3 days ago. Wednesday afternoon I'm sitting here, and I get a text message on my phone and it just hit me. Communicating through text messaging is entirely more popular than calling someone.

And I hate it.

What is the affection towards texting? I can see if you just want to say, 'Be there in 15 minutes.' or, 'Need a ride call me ASAP.' because that is a single thought and can be communicated more effectively via text.

But when I get messages like, 'Who's going to be there?' or, 'How do I get there?' it's fucking frustrating.

Do you really want me to type out a fucking guest list? Do you want me to spell out step by step instructions on the routes to take? I fucking suck at texting, and I try to avoid it as much as possible.

A simple 30 second conversation would avoid all of this useless finger work, and save me some angst.

Call, don't text. Please.

2007-09-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

I motion for a license test at the age of 60.

I see more and more old people on the road driving like they don't have any eyeballs.

The first example I can think of was a few years back. I was traveling down Memorial drive when I saw a pair of headlights in front of me. Some old lady who was probably 85 was driving on the wrong side of the road, and didn't even know it.

And most recently I was traveling down Route 116 when cars started swerving into the oncoming lane.. there was an old man completely stopped in the middle off the road and they were trying not to slam into the back of him.

I can't believe that kids get so much shit for being 'wreckless' drivers.. when old people are twice as bad!

License tests at 60, 65, 70, and EVERY YEAR after that should keep some of these sacks of skin off the road.

-The Biscuit.

2007-09-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was possibly the finest example of douchebagery that I have EVER encoutered.

Let me paint the scene for you.

I had received a call from my good friend Jess. Her friend Laura was leaving for school Sunday and had a bunch of people get together to go out drinking in downtown Springfield. We first stopped at Theodore's so some people could eat, then we went to Pour House because Laura works there when she's not at school.

And here's were the idiocy comes in. The most asinine example of poor DJ'ing that I've ever experienced in my entire life. The most atrocious exhibit of 'I-don't-know-how-to-DJ' DJ'ing..

I walk up to the DJ, who had been playing shit like Brown Eyed Girl and Jon Bon Jovi.. which are okay songs for a young crowd if you've got a bunch of people already dancing and singing.. but he didn't.

This prime example of Grade A Douche looked like a hairy Gilligan whose mouth produced too much spit and wore large white tee's in an effort to be 'hip hop'.

I asked him to play 'Stronger' from Daft Punk/Kanye West - he said he'd find it but ended up playing some terrible remix of Gold Digger. The song restarted twice and each time played for about 30 seconds and then he killed it entirely.

And still, no one was dancing. The girls that we were with there with had gone up to dance, but since the retard had no idea what he was doing the song had stopped and started again by the time they had gotten to the front of the bar.

So I asked him for another request, 'Wouldn't Get Far' - The Game .. and I guess he's sensitive about The Game because he flipped out.

'NO! NO WAY! We're playing stuff people can DANCE TO. Not that CRAP!' Spitting and salivating everywhere, his eyes produced a furious anger. I walked away laughing, and we left the bar.

So my suggestion is to not go to Pour House on a Friday night because the DJ there has absolutely no idea how to work his own craft. He should, in my opinion, remove himself from the gene pool immediately to prevent any possibility of breeding.

-Timmy Burns!

2007-08-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

I've been hearing about Necro for quite a while. It began back in high school with a friend of mine and I'd hear a thing or two about people listening to him since that time.

My cousin had a song on a CD she made in her car and I was able to listen to it a few weeks back.

Well, I've been listening to a few songs for the past few days so that I can form an opinion on this guy.

My favorite? The Sexorcist. Why? Necro's verbal degradation towards women is so violent and crude that there's no possible way he's being serious. Lines like, 'sticking a gun in your cunt for fun' and 'Shit on your blouse, then kick you outta my house naked and slut take it that’s what initiations about' are timelessly classic and slightly nostalgic of things all guys think but don't want to say. It's true, don't try to tell me it's not.

But, the production part of the songs is just terrible. The vocals don't even sound processed, he rips off beats from other songs all the time, it sounds like he recorded this in his bedroom. Is that what he's going for? Maybe. But I don't think so.

I see a lot of potential here. The flow and rythym he has is great, but it needs to be matched with equally great production.

I'm looking forward to future work and the possibility of enhancement and progression.

2007-08-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, my cousin and I went to Bertera Chevrolet in Palmer, MA because they had said they had a 2002 Jeep Grand Cherokee for around $10,000, and my cousin wanted to check it out.

Now, my cousin doesn't have a bunch of car buying experience, and since I'm on my 5th car in 6 years I kept her company. Bob, one of the sales managers at Bertera, had told my cousin that he had a customer that was looking to buy the type of car that she would be trading in.

We arrived at the dealership to speak with Bob, and he fed us a well polished line of bullshit:
'A family that has purchased a lot of trucks from us is looking for a Subaru for their girl who's going off to college,' (or something very, very close) 'And we're getting 65 trucks on this lot next week so Chevy has authorized some cash allowances for us, I think we can make a deal today.'

Great, Bob. Let's look at this 2002 Jeep.

So another small, greasy, sales guy comes over (I don't remember his name, he gets off the hook) and we walk to my cousins car to get the registration and the keys. The mechanic is going to take the car for a quick ride so he can appraise it.

We walk over to the Jeep, which turned out to be a 2005 for $27,000. They didn't have the 2002 anymore, it was sold. A classic bait and switch.

After reviewing some numbers with SmallGreaseChodeMonkey (a technical term for the nameless salesman) my cousin and I quickly realized that there is nothing on the lot that would satisfy the criteria we had set for the purchase.

But the vultures at Bertera did not quench their bloodthirst just yet.

With the keys still held in captivity, a taller, fatter, greasier sales manager came out of the side room. He tried to find another option for my cousin. She repeatedly told him that she was specifically looking for the Jeep Grand Cherokee, and wouldn't consider anything else.

TallFatGreaseDouche left, and SmallGreaseChodeMonkey came back. SmallGreaseChodeMonkey asked us to come take a look at another vehicle he thought we might like, even though we had told them there was nothing else on the lot. We walked outside, I joked, 'They're going to show you a Buick Regal..' and what we saw was much, much worse.

A 2004 Chevrolet Tracker. A sardine can with wheels. A shoebox with a motor. This wasn't even in the same ballpark, and if I can steal from Samuel L. Jackson, 'Not even the same fucking sport!'

I laughed out loud, we went back inside and TallFatGreaseDouche came back. He tried to make a joke about how he picked the 'wrong one' but no one was laughing. He then made the suggestion that my cousin look at a minivan. Our jaws dropped at his desperation for a sale.

My cousin told them that we were just going to leave. TallFatGreaseDouche said, 'Well. I'm NOT holding you hostage!' with a bit of contempt, perhaps because he hasn't seen his penis in years. My cousin quickly snapped back, 'YOU'RE HOLDING MY KEYS HOSTAGE.'

'I didn't know we had your keys.'

My cousin pointed at SmallGreaseChodeMonkey, 'HE TOOK THEM.'

SmallGreaseChodeMonkey got the keys, and we were out. No business card, the sales guy didn't even try to save the sale.

It was pathetic. A bait and switch turned horribly wrong.

The moral? Never go to Bertera Chevy in Palmer, MA.

-The BizzNizzle

2007-08-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

I feel that I should offer at least some type of introduction, or a little bit of foreplay to tantalize your senses. Something that will excite you as a reader, something that will make you beg for the next line. I may have lost you already, or you might be so engaged with this dialogue that you're reading it out loud to truly appreciate the literary sophistication that rolls off my fingers and into your minds.

This blog will be dedicated to my daily interactions with the public, co-workers, friends, and service industries that people commonly encounter. I will be have a subjective, crude, to the point, ruthless, take-no-prisoners attitude. I will tell it like it is.

To honor B.A. Baracus, 'Enough of this jibber-jabber.'